Journal Entry: 2

Well, the good news is, is that my psychologist was wrong the other day, where she said that I should check myself into hospital. I spoke to my psychiatrist, who believes that what is wrong with me right now could be a neurological problem. I have a neurologist appointment in a few days to find out, fingers crossed.


However, I have been doing more Bipolar research, and found this interesting passage describing five different possible states of mania. I am definitely in this category today I think: 


Group 4 (21.4 percent) had the highest ratings of dysphoria and the lowest of hedonic activation. Corresponding with Kraepelin’s depressive or anxious mania, these patients were marked by prominent depressed mood, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and feelings of guilt, along with high levels of irritability, aggression, psychosis, and paranoid thinking.


I have been very irritable with my boyfriend, and obviously was having psychosis a few days ago (has it fully gone?...not sure). Ok, the suicidal ideation is a little much (although I'm thinking a lot about suicide because of the anniversary of my attempt), but I am anxious and depressed. Thanks Kraepelin for allowing me to label myself again! lol.

Journal Entry: 1

Today I am feeling like I might be losing control of the hypomanic state I have been in for the previous two or so weeks. I have been enjoying this period of energy and intense creativity, having been playing piano and writing avidly. But right now I am feeling frenzied. At this moment, I have racing thoughts, I feel nauseous and dizzy, and when I close my eyes I see the flickering strobe-like light. I'm getting worried.

I know for instance that I am having psychotic symptoms. In the night I was hallucinating about there being something in the corner of the room. I was absolutely terrified of this creature/being/obvious figment of my imagination (which during my migraine had became the Baphomet). My boyfriend told me to get out of bed and confront it, but I absolutely couldn't. And I am smelling that familiar scent of nutty mustiness, that seems to come with this mood state.

I want to talk to someone about how I'm feeling, but for some reason don't feel like I can. Also, my usual therapy appointment is on Mondays, but next week due to Thanksgiving, my appointment is on Wednesday. I really wish I had that appointment tomorrow.

Should I be taking Abilify right now? I don't know what to do.